Stories & Insights on Authority

	I picture myself standing next to a large wooden stairway in my childhood home. I feel small, like I'm hiding in the dark, although I'm taller than my mother who is standing in the front doorway. Because she is by the door, my mother is brightly lit by the hall light - she almost seems more real than me. And she's angry... she's angry that I don't go out, that I don't have more friends, that I'm shy around people, that my social life is so limited. Her words come across like an attack. And, I, feeling very young although I am now 16, hide in the dark, in my own silence. And then, at some point, the silence becomes my defence - it becomes a wall around me that keeps me safe, and gives me power against my mother's complaints. In fact, the more silent I am, the more angry and frustrated my mother gets...... Many years later, I can see how this same dynamic can emerge in my other relationships with authority - and I work hard not to let that script take over, by forcing myself to speak up and claim my own voice.

	I remember having a boss that truly inspired me. An elegant Frenchman with lots of energy and ideas, he coached me to have more persistence in the political battles that were waging in the hotel where we worked. "If you can't get through with cannons, next try machine guns - but definitely do not give up!" he would say. He seemed so confident and comfortable, I was thrilled when he promised to bring me to France on his next assignment. But first, we had to turn this hotel around. One day, we met to discuss the financial projections I had developed as part of the annual budgeting process. "No, the number isn't 66, it's 72," he coached me, certain that the hotel's occupancy for the year would be higher. I was so embarassed about having the wrong forecast, I spent all weekend re-working the calculations. Then, Monday late morning, I walked into the Executive Committee meeting with my boss to present our results. When I read out the new forecast of 72%, the director of the hotel (the senior manager there) sputtered in disbelief. "Ridiculous! That number is absolute bullshit. We've got no chance in hell of getting more than 66!" I was in shock and panic, sitting on the hot seat while all of the other executives looked at me. But when I turned to my boss sitting next to me, his head was down and he was scribbling furiously on a small piece of paper. He did nothing to acknowledge his part in my forecast and left me to defend it alone..... Due to this incident and others, I often mistrust authority figures, expecting them to push me into taking risks, but leaving me and others completely unsupported when the chips are down.

	I remember a lesson in how much I projected onto authority that was untested. I had decided to quit my first job in a computer company, in order to move to France to write a novel. I was so anxious and afraid about telling my boss, I ended up with a bloody nose. My sense of authority at this point was this cloudy, amorphous thing - I was very inarticulate about how it worked and had lots of fears and rules that went untested for a long time. Yet, when I tested those beliefs by actually giving my notice, my boss was actually quite supportive, asking me about my plans and the novel itself. This was not at all what I was expecting.

	It breaks my heart when people ignore kids and exclude them from decisions that affect them - I really react to that. Yet is some places people don't handle authority that way. For example, I recently discovered a teacher that helps kids write poems for a poetry slam. These poems are pure expression about what's going on in their lives - they are allowed to speak the way they see things, telling their stories. I went to the slam and it was incredible - the greatest thing I've ever seen. As they spoke their truths, there was applause, cheering them on. Most of the stories were about anger, sadness, fear, frustration. As Anne-Marie Roker/Roper says, we each come into life with a curriculum we're meant to follow - and so much of how we treat kids blocks that. What we should be doing is helping that to unfold.

	I have been confused in my feelings around authority. I tend to define authority as the abuse of power, what thou shalt not do, sort of a masculine voice - so I am very ambivalent about my own authority as I now have several departments reporting to me. But my company was founded by a bunch of hippies in the '60's, and they've really adopted the values of respecting human dignity, honesty, and supporting people. So I've grown up in that culture, and have learned that you can exercise authority in a collaborative way. But recently, we hired a new manager who comes from a more authoritarian industry and he's really challenged our style. He is focused more on efficiency and profitability than on people and relationships, yet I can see that he has good intentions and wants to please his boss. And we ARE inefficient in some ways. So I try not to discourage him, but tell him to slow down, to learn about our culture, and adapt his ideas to our approach. Yet in the process I find myself second-guessing my own style - thinking perhaps the approach I've learned is just ineffective.