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"Them"
October, 2000
Image courtesy of Mark Wagner, HeartsandBones.com
  A lot of what we learned last month around enjoying work had to do with feeling betrayed when a tight-knit group broke up or feeling jealousy for those more visibly successful. At some point, we draw a line of separation of Us and Them, to protect ourselves from surprises. So... who have been the Them's in your life? What experiences have you had with Them?  
 
 
  The "other" change management group within the organization feels like a Them. Initially, it seemed like our work would integrate, but after an interview about joint work, they never got back to me. A friend asked, "How many times do you have to not hear 'no' to know that's the answer?" My first reaction is to think it's something wrong with me. I personally get triggered when I feel discounted, especially around having the advanced degree in this field. And I couldn't understand how this group dismissed organizational learning has not having an impact, since they don't do implementation themselves, and they agree you can't measure the impact of things like our corporate way of doing business.  
     
  A senior executive in my firm just told me I need to use their report templates because they are more efficient. His authority is based on 20 years in the field. And I decided I'm not really prepared to go against that right now. I also feel a separation with a co-worker - I want him to ask what I need, instead of always telling me what I need to do to forward his vision. Finally, the VP who did my review, who is know for harsh criticism and not really adding value. Like his red pen just covers any document he edits. So, I expected criticsm at the review. But I really stepped forward, had questions for him. He ended up nervous, saying he "just filled out the form" and it didn't really mean anything. In the past I would have gotten angry and really serious, but this time I helped him feel at ease by just inquiring into his reasoning. Even though the setting was very Us and Them - with him across the desk with his forms - it became much more interesting as we relaxed.  
     
  Senior executives and people who live in the rarified atmosphere of upper classes feel like Them's to me sometimes. For example, a professor who dismissed my interest in systems dynamics as "touchy-feely". I was shocked and amused when I realized he had used an irrational argument to dismiss them as irrational.  
     
  I am in a very good space right now, but earlier today I was almost ready to give up a volunteer position that means a ton to me. I volunteer with a group that helps kids who have lost parents, and my role is as co-facilitator with the surviving parents support group. Well, several months ago my co-facilitator left and a new one is in training and won't join me for another month or so. And I know that this role really stretches me, it is not my natural strength to lead, even though I'm always put in leadership positions. But I do this because I lost my mother when I was very young, and this is one way I give back. So last week, one woman asked about the new co-facilitator, wanting to know how long it would be before she came, and saying we REALLY need her. Well, I handled it fine on the spot, but when I went home, and went to sleep, it really hit my "not worthy" tape and I was totally shaken up. The way I heard it, she couldn't wait for another facilitator, because I was just not effective. So I started telling myself the role didn't mean that much to me, that it took a lot of time, that there were other opportunities closer to home. Luckily, I also asked the program director to check out how people were doing with the support group, and unsolicited, I got incredibly positive feedback, even from the woman who was interested in the other co-facilitator. So, now I'm feeling really good and re-committed. I have to say, though, that if even one person hadn't been happy, I probably would have still felt terrible.  
     
  I kept getting fired from publishing jobs which I loved, because I kept saying things that were not politically correct or hurt someone's feelings. One time I was by-passed for a role because of something I had said, and they hadn't even read my work, which I had put a lot of effort into. So I went out on my own as free-lancer, which sounded glamorous, but ended up being financially challenging. And for a long time now, I've been trying to re-create the job I loved as an editor, and I feel like a failure sometimes because I'm out here as a substitute teacher in grade schools. I think I'll just have to start my own company, where I have no boss. I mean, I sometimes ask myself, privately, "Don't they see I'm a star?" I just don't seem to be able to subdue my "effervescence", or whatever you want to call it.  
     
  When I was at Berkeley, I judged people there and all hippies for being self-absorbed, immature and sensationalist. To distinguish myself, I went down to the center plaza in the middle of a protest and registered Republican. Then, later, I went to Harvard for an MBA. And I felt so different, I showed up as a complete liberal, with these long braids and flowing skirts - and people all called me "granola chick." One time I felt so different and unworthy because I wore an olive suit to a recruiting dinner where every single person was wearing navy - and it seemed such an indicator of my competence at the time. I worked hard to bring my intuition and the feminine back into my life after going for the "sharp" world of management. Gradually, I've learned to bring both sides more into my work relationships. So one night on a business trip a man at the next table started talking to me, and I learned about his home on the outer banks of South Carolina. When I asked him about the increasing severity of storms there, he told me it was really shocking. Then when I asked if environmentalists had linked it to global warming and he made some comment about "tree huggers." For a minute, I felt I was on shaky ground... but I was so tired, I kept on asking him about what HE thought the reason was. Once I got beyond the label, I learned that he, too, was concerned about greenhouse gas emissions and that his company had reduced the chemicals used in making the thread they manufactured.  
     
  I recently ran a marathon with my daughter, which was such an incredible treat because we got to spend months training together. I don't think I've ever felt that close.... and now it's painful since she's moved away. But running that marathon taught me a lot about the power of being physically centered. Now I'm wondering how I continue that process? I see my real work not as the job but as how I show up in the world. So it matters what I do when I get off-center, and that I'm able to observe that and return. I think this really affects the people I work with; I, too, am often given leadership positions and I think this approach to work is one reason. The irony is that as a kid I was told that I couldn't do anything, and in the process, I made myself a Them - based on what someone ELSE said. Now I know I can do whatever I set my heart on. The next big challenge will be a triathlon.  
     
  I think my older sister has always been a Them to me. And we moved around a lot, so new situations and not believing I belong are triggers for me to fall off-center. I've always had this thing about not having a college degree. Now that I'm taking this coaching certification course, and it's making me a different person. I mean, you get all this honest feedback, all with incredible compassion, but it's pretty direct and you can't escape. And what I learned was that I was always put down for trying to be brilliant when I was a kid, it was dangerous. So the leader of this course told me, go ahead and be brilliant, just don't lose the connection to the people you're talking with. Now, when I start to get triggered, and people start to become Them's I check it out. And I come out of moments when I'm knocked off center with more capacity. Finally, I went through the certification earlier this month, which was the most difficult thing I've ever done. And on my final review, the leader, who is a mixture of genius, brilliance and compassion, wrote me a note, "I don't have a degree either." That really hit me, it really allowed me to get over all the Them's I was worried about, all the Harvard MBA's I was intimidated by, and just get on with giving my gifts.  
     
  Sometimes the Us and Them can be so simple, but it really affects you if it's in your home. I have a roommate that I've known for a very long time, she's like a sister, and we've gone through times when we have cat and dog fights. So now her Dad is really sick, and as a result her family moved away to Hawaii for him to fulfill a lifelong wish. And she no longer has her family near. Besides, she spent a lot of time away from the house and now she's really moving in to live with us. Well, she's acting up, sitting on bills, and just being difficult. Our other roommate doesn't know her as well as I do, and is really angry at her, sees her as a Them. And she sees us as a Them - all of it is really childish. Last night it blew up with a note full of demands being left on the kitchen table. And I'm the only one who knows this is just because she's in such a stressful situation. So I'm kind of torn between the two sides.  
     
  Lately have had an opportunity to work with a woman I didn't especially like. As usual, we both agreed when we first got on the project that we would be completely honest with one another, yadda, yadda. And then she actually IS! So the first time she told me what I was saying sounded "preachy" I was torn between saying, "What a bitch!" and saying, "Thank you very much." Because it is SO rare to have someone actually tell me what they think - it's really an incredible gift.  
     
  I feel that my parents were always Them's - they were both raised in China by missionaries. When they were there, they didn't fit in because they were white; later, didn't fit in in the U.S. because they were Chinese. Yet feeling like a Them doesn't mean we draw the line broadly for others........ I always felt shame in my family for being a lesbian - especially after my partner and I decided to have a child. I find myself internalizing this as depression or trying to pretend I'm not different ......... but sometimes it really really gets to me. And I know it's hard for my son, because he's the only child in school being raised in a lesbian household. Now that he's about to go to high school in San Leandro, we really have to think - because there's an active "parents against gays" group..... What I'd like to do is send him to Maybeck High School - we went there and just felt good. There are Green Party posters, Nader signs, even posters about sexual maturing in kids and how to handle "coming out." ....... But for myself, I'm mostly aware of how I present myself, managing things so you'll like me, and then later I might tell you who I am, but it'll be different because you'll already like me.  
     
  I remember as a young man that a friend of a friend was a "gay guy"... and I felt curious about his flamboyance and his energy. I didn't really feel attracted to him physically, but intellectually, I was open to the idea, trying to see if it fit for me. I wondered if myself would end up being part of that Them called gay men. Anyway, because I wanted to know, I allowed him to express himself sexually with me for a time. And through that I discovered that, no, it didn't fit. And I'm grateful for him, because knowing him helped define my sexual identity. After that I became a hippie, and was really glad when we transcended men hugging men as a society. Ten years later when I was home I hugged my Dad, and it really startled him. He didn't pull away, but he whispered in my ear, "people will think we're queer!"  
     
  I remember being raised that black people were the really cool people, the ones who were really real. My dad was proud to know Huey Newton and proud that he collected rents in the Fillmore district. And somehow, we were super conscious that black people's lives were really hard, too. Then when I was in 3rd or 4th grade they started school busing - I remember all these new signs - "Black is Beautiful", etc in the classrooms. And I was so conscious that I had to be nice to these black kids coming in from Hunter's Point.... which got me a punch in the face in about 30 seconds - because I wasn't treating them like people. We moved schools a lot and I was always the nerdy kid who raised my hand all the time, so I'd end up in a fight with some little black girl - Mary, Betty, Terry, Marlene - I remember all their names. They hated me for being so goody-goody. And since we had a rule in my family that you could hit back after 3 hits, I'd feel just terrible at first, totally humiliated by letting them hit me. And then I'd finally fight them, and they'd say, oh, she's cool.... and we'd move. Once, in 4th grade, I ended up really grating on the kids' nerves and I got a letter signed by 45 kids saying that they didn't like me. It was so painful. So, several years ago when I was in Louisiana at a Zydeco club with mostly black people, it meant so much to me that a woman got up and walked all the way across the room to say, "I want you to know you are all welcome here." Today I am very interested in addressing racial issues, but I'm totally wary about all the politically correct being nice. I want the interaction to be real.  
     
  I went to an all-white school, the only black person I knew of was Superfly on TV. So when I went to the nearby trade school where there were a lot of black kids who were really tough, I was so scared and on edge. One day I had to file a piece of paper in a filing cabinet where a tough girl, Vanessa, was standing. I decided I would just reach across her and put my sheet of paper in. Well, as I pulled away, she said, "I beg your pardon." As I was walking away, I turned around - I don't know what got into me to say this - and said, "Oh, you don't have to beg." Then I smiled and turned to continue walking. I know she was in shock at that moment, but then she respected me. Later I heard some black kids talking about something I had said, and she jumped in to say, "Oh, she's ok." That meant a lot to me. Now I'm glad we're going into a time where it's ok to notice differences and even be curious about the. When we were in the phase where we pretended there were no differences, it was a joke - like saying, "I didn't even notice he was black" - that's bullshit. I think it's healthier to let all of us be Thems and have it not be bad. And I still feel lucky to have had the privileges and cushy life I've had.  
     
  When I was young I was in a car crash and my face was covered in lacerations. I still have three scars from it. But when I first had the accident, people would not look at me........ I would ask my mother, "Why don't they just ask me and they'd understand?" ....It was a very painful experience. Those who didn't ignore it could sometimes be cruel, asking "What, did your boyfriend punch you in the face?" And I even got into making fun of myself, trying to beat them to the punch. Another image of Us and Them was of my competent, talented mother and my alcoholic stepfather - and seeing how she never reached her potential because she submitted to him. And now I can see how I'm on guard with all my partners because I vowed I wouldn't let the same thing happen to me. I feel I always have to be strong in the relationship, I control what happens, when we break up, etc. And it's easier to get into a sexual relationship, which I felt ok with, than to really be in love - because being loved would hurt, and I wouldn't reach my potential, like my Mom. It's funny - I rush to be the ally against Them with my friends, but in my most intimate relationships, I keep my partners separate, like Them.  
     
  Us and Them is a subtle distinction. I feel separate within myself, and the person I want to be is Them. But I find safety in staying in a certain place, although it means I don't reach my potential. I sometimes have an image of a crowd of people, but I can't get there to be part of it. So I long for a job, a relationship where I can just be me, that real part of me that I don't show. But when I try just to be safe, I disengage, I want to be separate, different. Does this make sense? But then, I feel we're all the same. It reminds me of my mother getting on my case because I wasn't more social - so internally, I began to go to a place where I'm a Them, and so is everyone else.  
     
  When I was walking around with a neck brace and cane after a car accident earlier this year, I welcomed people's questoins - I felt it was much better than pretending that I wasn't seriously injured. Now that my injuries and limitations don't show as much, I hesitate and wonder if I should ask other people about their differences. How shall we be with this? There's definitely an idea of how people are supposed to look, and we notice if there are differences. I think for me, Them represents all the cliques I remember in school - all of which were too straight-laced and predictable for me. So I made friends with the "different" people - maybe we were the "fringe clique." I find that I can relate to a lot of different groups of people, but gradually I change and evolve out of the group. Maybe I want to be unique, need to think I'm different. But that's ok with me, I like living this way.  
     
  I often feel not a part, feel that I want to join Them. But as an artist, I have been blessed and cursed. It's as if most religions don't include me. And physically, I'm actually alone most of the time in my studio. But there's another half I seek, connecting with other people in heart and soul. As I play with this purple ball, every once in a while a little bead will pop out, and I think wow, that's like me. And then I want to get back into the ball. I do artwork with people in prison, and when I hear that door close behind me when I go in, I feel this deep sense of being at home. It's as if the world outside is crazy.... and people inside are really a family, connected. I guess I see all of us as being in prison, the prison of I and Them if you will, and art is a means to release that picture and merge together. Like we're creating the Us that's all of the Thems, including us, together. Like they say, all religions meet in silence - because once you add words, you separate. I feel for the pain and suffering in the Middle East, the inability to be an "Us." To remind myself of being an us, I had a tatoo put on my leg that says, "1001 Buddhas," a reminder of the buddha in all of us, the connection. Sometimes I feel most separate when I participate in Native American ceremonies, but after you've fasted for a few days the separation dialogue stops and we focus on "can we make it?" Once this came up when my paintings were shown in a Native American gallery, and I was asked to speak. Some old women there told me they were so surprised I was a white guy. So what could I say in this setting, where there were some American Indian Movement people who wouldn't have wanted me there? I decided to talk about the color pallette - that you need all the colors, but you need to keep them separate, because mixed together, all you get is mud. And I remind myself of my own artistic ancestors with another tatoo from the cave paintings in Europe.  
     
  I have often found myself where I could function and make a contribution, but not belong. For example, I went to law school to become a progressive lawyer. But afterwards, I did some work defending insurance company's or upholding creditor's rights. These groups are usually considered Them's by most people, but I explained to my friends that everyone has a right to a lawyer. Now I do more estate planning and other less adversarial law practices, so I met with a friend about a case where there may be a settlement that would affect the estate. As we talked, it became clear that the person really didn't have a case that would hold up against the insurance company. And my friend turned to me and said, "I can't believe you worked for the defense on these cases." The way I see it, I'm just seeing both sides - which has to be useful.  
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