Themes and Questions on "Them"

	We feel fragile at times and buoyed at others, growing into our own skin, willing to challenge. When feeling fragile, social interaction takes tremendous energy, because not disclosing real self. It's a mystery how we moved back and forth, having confidence and losing it. Some of us work on not judging our need for approval to feel ok. But we still feel crazy sometimes when we challenge prevailing view, as if we're making up what we sense.

	It helps to check out language - around words like "efficiency", "hard/soft dollars", "business impact". It's not necessary to take a label like "touchy-feely" and defend it personally as if it reflects on us. Adopting a curious approach and inquiring allows us to step off-line of the criticism, learn more, and really engage the person. Kaufman's 4-step approach, reflecting what we're seeing, often creates an opening when there's conflict.

	Conveying the fact that we don't intend to threaten a person, that we are loyal and can acknowledge them, can open the door to deeper inquiry. But does it mean personal compromise, subsuming one's self? Doing this too much can sap our energy. Sometimes trying too hard to fit in leads to rebellious acting out. Not so much control as trying to balance the power, bring in one's voice. Can we get more freedom by re-framing what seems like discounting - although sometimes we're giving people more credit than they deserve. Can we choose when to stay and learn and when to leave to protect ourselves? Because at some point, we are affected by how we are treated. It helps just to acknowledge when we're triggered.

	We tend to embody that which we most dislike in others. And our greatest strengths are also our Achille's heels, our openings for learning. So the Them's are in me. It really helps to stay in touch with the sense of Them's as human.

	Can we be satisfied working in environments just focused on machine-like efficiency?

	Them's include: the people who did the work before, someone we create to scapegoat, parents/workaholics in a different world. others who succeed - to whom I compare myself, people who make decisions that affect me where I have no say, angry/abusive/unpredictable people, Harvard MBA's, UC Radicals, people of color, my older sister, other kids when we moved, people diametrically opposed politcally - created by the media pulling out sound bytes that polarize, tose in control, authority figures, those pursuing money for money's sake - Bill Gates as the model, homeless person who attacked me - but was easy to forgive, those who are different - boys who are fun to play with, partners with different capacities - like Strategic Planning Committee with Executive Committee

	What has the most meaning is also the scariest.

	The feeling of not belonging, feeling different, feelings of "I am not worthy", expectations and judgment create the Us and Them. Labels emphasize the barriers, the stereotypes that create Us and Them. There is value in trying to bridge the gap, to cross the line in conversation to find out that the "other" is more like you than you thought.

	We've all felt like a Them at times. We need to listen and be open to different perspectives. Finding one's center seems to be the key in realizing one's potential and holding space for differences. So, how do you recover quickly when you get off-center (because it will happen)? It helps to observe one's triggers and ask what they are about? Need time to sift through, otherwise, just react.

	There is a powerful, rebellious voice that says "back off", perhaps when an "other" tries to dominate. Sometimes it seems we can't be honest with authority figures, but we have to ask why we believe that. Perhaps being honest doesn't mean just blurting out feelings, but being clear on our intention for the relationship. There is a distinction between being authentic and telling all. Doesn't seem possible to really subdue our true voices anyway, so need to say something.

	Them is a product of me-ness. The depth of conversation moves the line back, to where gradually it can include Them in Us. Is it possible to move it back to include all Them's if stay centered enough? The question comes up by association - we have friends who are friends of "assholes" - how can this be? Building bridges keeps the container large enough for the world not to boil over.

	Implications for our lives: Intend to move beyond labels with the force of my being to build bridges. Plan to challenge the idea that people are fixed - can't do aikido if think people are stationery. I look forward to my own business where I can do whatever I want, like more storytelling videotapes. I expend to see the Them in myself, the ways I am an enemy to myself. Or put myself in Them's shoes, what makes them so, or appear to? It would be good not to take it personally, realize it's not about me. If I see how they are seeing me, I can change how I show up in the world, which includes what I pay attention to... and change the dynamic between us. I intend to shift my me-ness to include Them more often. Making the effort to check out my assumptions will be a big help. I see myself encouraging others' stories. Honest feedback is such a rarity, it's worth trying to take it as a gift. To give our gifts, we have to get over what They think. Need to stop and think about how to contribute to what has meaning for you. Can we ask ourselves where we are headed? Is this what we want to create?

	General thoughts: Them as a) Republicans/liberals, b)labor/management, c) everything outside of me, d) government/those who do things TO us, e) specific individuals, such as other drivers f) teachers, people we admire, g) those who will hire me When learn more we can see others' opinions - like choosing school vouchers so children can have moral values in education Discovering that judgement of others often has very personal basis - like disliking Catholics because ancestors wanted to get away from Catholic relatives at one time Them changes as we change - the line is drawn closer or expands further to include more Can feel like an Us, but then feel separated by others' perceptions - like being a Them because I'm the boss Them doesn't have to be negative, can be those we admire - such as those who started Toys for Tots We're often surprised by antagonism and separateness of road rage Certain professions, such as the legal world, are built on Us vs Them Feeling of separateness seems to be related to feelings of powerlessness - like when we're waiting for Them to hire us We sometimes find ourselves allying with whomever we're close to, against the "other"; then people feel betrayed because they each thought we were on their side There is a curiosity to analyze Them and figure them out, including judging them Some of us define ourselves as not-Them, only feel secure when know who we're not In a complex world, we seem to seek Them who are responsible - when in fact there may be no one to blame

	We have a deep need to belong. Like the game Red Rover - you have to fight to get in. And kids use the threat of withholding friendship to gain power. Yet there is more than enough love for everybody. We struggle with self-definition by elimination of who we aren't. Identity and belonging sometimes work by creating Us's by identifying Thems. Perhaps we should live in little villages - and ensure it's 100 miles to the next village. Where are we standing when we create Them? As we take care of ourselves, there is less need for separation.

	We can hold the dualities if we add the spirit - but it's difficult to hold. Maybe others are holding the space for us. Maybe we are the children. Sometimes feel that way about the Vietnamese teachers, or Native Americans who share their ways.

Offerings:

Being able to create belonging and choosing to be at home.
Gaining a sense of belonging from hearing and sharing.
Accepting and loving people where they are.
Offering to share our stories with the children.
Taking this energy to our edges and inviting others to connect.
The offering comes together, moves around, and then comes back to us, creating more energy, more space to be actualized, which allows others to do the same. By releasing ourselves from our own fears, we unconsciously liberate others (Marianne Williamson quote).

	If the truth is that we are connected, how might we see conflict as in the Middle East? What is Us trying to work through with itself? But it's mud if we're all one big Us.

	Where is community in the 4 agreements by Ruiz? It acts as if nothing is external to the "I." But perhaps the 4 agreements affect the way I offer service to others. For example, I think they get to define and shape the offer. And I can't have expectations of how it will work out. Perhaps it's not my job to do anything for another after all.

	There is a longing to be asked, and a trepidation about asking others. And there is a growing willingness to be ok with the response to asking - whatever it is. There is such power in the invitation to share who we are, and power in inviting others to share themselves with us. This is part of the power of inquiry and the possibilities created by experimenting.

	The fire in the middle has heard the most stories of all; and all there are are stories.