Themes & Questions on Speaking the Truth

Speaking The Truth

July, 2000

Image courtesy of Mark Wagner, HeartsandBones.com

Our stories led to several common themes, and sparked new questions...

	Stories always evoke more stories.

	There is a (universal?) paradigm here of trading compliance for money, power, and success, then getting angry and resentful, and finally speaking one's truth.

	It seems to be hard to say "No" to friends and loved ones, even when we need to in order to take care of ourselves. It was hard for C to tell J that she did not want to be part of his business venture.

	What IS truth? What makes an idea "take off"? Why do we always shoot the messenger? Marginalize people?

	We need to speak "our truth", but with an openness to change. Each of us has her or his own truth, and they’re all different! We need to constantly be self-aware, realize that when we notice deficiencies in others that really irritate us, we are dissatisfied with something in ourselves. We need to be compassionate when trying to help others to become more self-aware -- it’s often painful.

	We need to discern whether the audience is ready for the story -- the concept of the "readiness of the field".

	Wisdom may be realizing how little we really know. That the self-evident truths we grew up with, and used to take a stand on, must be continuously questioned and re-evaluated. --But having our own selfish, immature, still-evolving perspective is OK. It has to be! That’s all there is…

	Fred Kaufman’s approach to giving feedback is helpful: State what you’re reacting to. State what the impact is on you. State what you feel/think about it. Ask for what you’d like to be different. But be aware that the other person always has the option of saying "No".

	Sometimes feelings take awhile to "percolate" into consciousness…

	We can be paralyzed by our attachments, but not show it on the outside.

	Dialogue groups have a protocol of being calm, deliberate, and spiritual, which can be inauthentic. It’s yet another façade that can keep the truth from coming out.

	Simple requests re often better than a tangled web of right/wrong, I felt/You felt, etc.

	What is truth? Simple answer is don't lie, state the facts. But then there are values, subjective truth. --This truth is a way of being in accordance with the self, outwardly, without fear of being judged. It is expressed in action, as being authentic. It requires courage, and an obedience to the self.

	We are sometimes truthful...we can be psychologically and factually open when we want to - but mostly we avoid conflicts. Sometimes we have to leave if we can't take biting our tongues anymore.

	If we avoid conflict, the pressure builds up to a point where we explosively erupt, which can cause greater damage. --Over time, it feels as though people become immune to the truth, it becomes indetectable to them. It almost feels that if you go along with things, you lose your chance to speak up. --Speaking the truth is a method of clearing the air so that what has integrity can be seen, so we can get beyond the misunderstandings that personal differences create. --But truth also draws back the veil of comfort, so it matters how and why we use it. What is my purpose in conveying truth? I need to clarify my own intentions, in order to be realy helpful. --Sometimes truth is not called for.

	It matters how you say it, and different people call for different responses. It's possible to be outspoken but not abrasive. --If we match energy while delivering a difficult message, we can usually keep the rapport.

	There is often a mismatch between our individual truth and the communal truth. --Hierarchy often requires compromises from people, puts them in situations where they must break the rules or do something misleading or dishonest. --Contracts and commitments in the business world don't change everyday - but people do - which that creates tension around being authentic.

	Things do seem to move when we each speak our individual truths, because speaking the really deep truths, changes the truths. And doing it together, we sometimes change each other. --It is so painful when others withhold. We appreciate others being open, but it is very hard to open ourselves. --Mistrusting people can be insulting to them; sharing truth shows respect. -- Risking relates to how much we trust. --It is always always when my trust is low that I have to choose whether to risk sharing what I feel. --But this is when people learn from what we do - whether we live up to what we say we value.

	What we can do if hurt: risk inquiring, checking in, even though it's scary. --Inquiry invites truth, let's us go deeper, but has to be from a sincere desire to understand. --That moment of potential conflict is pivotal - we choose whether to inquire or let it fade.

	How much do I have to know before I commit - to what is true for me? When do I defer and when do I stand?

	How do we balance the mismatch between our individual truth and the communal truth?

	What would happen if we opened ourselves up more habitually?

Circle of Inquiry - each person answering & asking a question:

How do we live with the tension between speaking hard truths vs being positive, especially knowing that we influence other people by what we bring up? It is the collective that holds the responsibility, not any one person.
Where am I going with that idea? Always continuing to question myself, especially around feeling responsible and being in charge - where my ego gets attached to fixing people.
How much do I need to know before I commit? How do I know where and what to commit to in terms of truth? It's a question of how safe you feel, where the threats are emotionally and professionaly and how important the issue is.
What does it mean for the group to own something?
How does it feel to hold back one's truth? Shame, loss, passivity. Need to at least be truthful with myself.
How do I know myself better? How do we know anything for sure? Rely less on what people say. Know that only as an aesthetic phenomenon is life justified.
If people do not always share their truth, how do we love them? Watch their actions and the stories they tell.
What will you take from tonight? An awakened interest and questions.
What are the ways to get at valuable information from others? Is there a process? Connect with yourself deeply, and experiment... but with a sense of respect for others. Seek truth from others by loving them as yourself.
How has your philosophy of telling the truth guided your life? It tells me to commit in each moment. And, we're all philosophers, because we all have worldviews.
How do we change in such small increments? Know there is a reality where things are different. Envision something other than the normal sterile corporate world.
How do we uncreate the world of hierarchy we've created? It's the catastrophes that change things. We need to ask questions after disasters, things that shake us up.